This is going to be difficult to explain. We all - at least stateside - have heard of Southern hospitality and how wonderful it is supposed to be. This concept is invoked to explain the cultural differences between Southerners and Northerners in the United States as part of the tradition of comparing and pointing out the differences between us as Americans. Generally, it is meant to define Northerners as being rude, ungracious people compared to Southerners.
But are Northerners really rude? Or is it just our culture that makes us more selective as to who we are polite towards? I might be biased, but I think it is just that we are selective in our politeness, and see kindness as an extension of respect - which is earned. Let me explain.
When I was in high school, my mother would meet many of my friends with skepticism upon their initial introduction. She was never flat-out rude to any of my friends, but she was far from the cool mom in Mean Girls in her welcome. If they asked for anything - such as the bathroom - on their first visit to my house, I was instructed to show them; she didn't, for any of my friends. And she generally presented herself as a very firm individual. My friends found it their duty as my guest to show that they appreciated and warranted her hospitality. Cue the second visit of any of my friends.
She welcomed them all with open arms, literally. For every friend that came over, she had a big hug waiting for them. She'd bring them in, give them food, invite them to stay for dinner (after already feeding them), offer them everything but the kitchen sink pretty much. My friends could get away with things around my mom that I could never get away with, such as swearing. In her words, "After the second visit, you're furniture." Which to her, means your welcome any time and you are family. Not like family - actual family.
That is hospitality in the North. Up north, I guess, politeness and hospitality are things that are important as part of our identity. Being a good host is important, but what it means to be a good host is much different. If someone is a guest in your family's home, they are your guest, but not your family's guest - at least the first visit. In the South, if you bring a guest home you are everyone's guest and everyone is invested in being as welcoming as possible.
During a Thanksgiving break, I stayed with a friend. Everyone in his family took the initiative to be welcoming of me in their home. They had never met me before, but they treated as family. This was new to me. I could see what Southern hospitality was when I stayed with them, but it wasn't much different from how my family treated guests. It was that they gave the same treatment on the first visit that I saw given at the second visit and after.
To me, the welcomes of Southerners versus Northerners weren't profoundly different. However, it did seem that Northerners were more direct in their appraising of new people. If I was being appraised by my friend's family, I didn't know it; however, I am certain that I am welcome in their home anytime, and I've come to regard my friend's family as an extension of my own. This still isn't different from my own experiences in the North.
However, it seems that in the North, we aren't shy about appraising others. It seems that the overt appraisal of others in the North is a means to ground ourselves and others, to keep ourselves from becoming proud and high and mighty. In the South, it seems that it is a covert action to grade others. It seems that Southerners feel that any kind of criticism of another, especially when they are a guest in their home. It seems that in the North, being a gracious guest is priority versus being a gracious host.
Perhaps it is just appearances. It appears that in the North, being a gracious guest is seen as more valuable than being a gracious host. Perhaps, the cultural differences between Northerners and Southerners is not that we (Northerners) are rude, but that we are better at being guests than we are for being hosts - at least initially.
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